'It's outrageous that Cracovian delicatessens don't stock Wilkinson & Smilkinson's No.1 Gentleman's Relish. And come to think of it, the Mayor really ought to see to it that all the cafes in the Old Town serve a full English breakfast (with the option of black pudding for our Scottish chums). And while he's about it, Marmite is in rather short supply in Cracow, not to mention Mr. Scrumpety's Cider that I once had the pleasure of trying in a rather charming village pub in Somerset some years ago. But most of all, it really is rather ingracious of Mother Nature to cover us with snow for three months a year. I mean, what is this, Poland or something?"
Expats whinging about life in the country they have chosen to live in can border on the absurd at times. Nevertheless, we are looking forward to doing it just the same. Indeed, after much scratching of heads and banging of tables, our combined English, Polish and Icelandic staff have come up with the following hit-list for 2005.
There's no offence meant of course. Well, a little perhaps. O.K, there is offence meant, so rancid tomatoes at the ready. Without further ado, here is our resume of the bad, the very bad and the utterly intolerable that haunt the city of Prince Krak:
1) Kebabs: Who ever allowed these affronts to humanity to make their home in Poland's second city? Plac Wszystkich Swietych (All Saints Square), once a symphony of splendid architecture, is now like a sort of bermuda triangle, cursed by evil kebabs-sellers. And the brown kebabs really do look like revolving logs of dog food. Terrifying.
2) The change ritual: A few weeks ago I saw a kindly Dutch tourist trying to buy his groceries with a 100 zl note (c. 20 Euros). Tragically it was already too late to warn him. For woe to the sinner who has failed to carry the correct change! No matter how many coins you carry in your pocket you will always be treated like a traitor if you don't have the exact grosz. But please, please, charming shop-ladies. Take pity on us, '' Nie mamy drobnych!"
3) Rubber Stamps - Any foreigner who has had to plunge him or herself into the rarified world of Polish bureaucracy will recall the Groundhog Day type adventures that are necessary to approve a permit. Perhaps it really is just a sort of witty game of tennis between the various offices, with top points going to the member of staff who can send back a foreigner the most times.
4) Quick as a flash, our hotel bookings chief Sebastian declared 'Englishmen in Cracow' as his pet-hate. Fair enough, when it comes to stag night horrors nobody does it better, as 007 would say, although come to think of it, Mr. Bond could probably handle his vodkas rather better than most wayfarers from Albion. England is a country in sad decline, soon to be conquered by the Welsh, who will take sweet revenge for centuries of bad sheep jokes.
5) Medieval Car-Parks - It's great that Cracow isn't overly prissy about it's heritage, but it's a crying shame that two of the most beautiful and historic squares in the city are given over to car parks (Maly Rynek and ul, Szeroka). Well over a year ago it was announced that Szeroka would be freed from cars by Jan 2004. A year on and there's still no sign of change. It's a scandal.
6) Corporate Hotels that don't bother to visit Cracow before building there monstrosities.
Absolved
1) Pigeons - Often described as 'rats with wings', these feathered fellows come in for a lot of stick. Our goodly graphic designer Mariusz (normally a model of good will to all of the Lord's creatures) somehow slips into twisted villain mode at the mention of these plump characters. 'I would like them all to be killed one by one' he remarks, with icy detachment, before adding, 'with a catapult.'
However, we're going to spare these portly codgers of the bird kingdom. True, there a fair few of the chappies here in Cracow, but you have to admire their pluck in cold weather, not to mention the crazed, nonchalant way in which they swoop about at head level. And of course, they're enchanted knights, as any self-respecting babcia will tell you. Long live Cracow's pigeons!
*If you would like to propose another candidate for a few rancid tomatoes, drop us a line through the source link below. The most amusing suggestion will win a weekend for two in the Maharajah of Jaipur's Palace Hotel in Rajasthan. So get those quills into action!'
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